So I’m going to share with you a little bit of my testimonial. It might be a bit long. But I hope something about it resonates with you and brings you a little closer to God.
I currently feel like I’m being led down a path. Or more accurately, I’m at a fork in the road along my path.
There are two very different options in front of me and although I’m being nudged toward the risky and uncertain path, the other known and stable path is the one I keep finding myself on. Well more like I feel herded into when all I want to do is jump out.
I’ll break this down a bit.
I had a baby 5 months ago now and she’s turned my life and my identity upside down. I’m in a role as mom now and I’m feeling and wanting things for myself and my daughter I never even considered in life before. More than anything, I desire to remain at home with her. But I’m already passed my return to work deadline today. I was supposed to return to work today full time but not only is the baby still sick after two weeks, we both got grandma sick who is her primary babysitter. And we totally didn’t think about a contingency babysitting plan before yesterday. But with the munchkin still sick it’s best one of us stay home. So here I am. Happily holding my sleeping daughter in my arms. This is where I’m supposed to be.
After getting the message yesterday that grandma couldn’t watch her, the feelings of needing out of my job came back full force. I’ve been battling with these feelings for months now, keeping them at bay by telling myself we will be fine and that I need to make money. Which is true… we will flounder financially if I don’t have my income and we already used a considerable amount of savings during my maternity leave.
I can’t help but feel like an animal trapped in a cage. I know I need out, like now, but I feel like the door is locked and I’m stuck. Yes, a lot of that is fear related and God and I have had many conversations about me learning to trust and give this completely to Him.
But here’s the interesting thing, I have felt this exact feeling before. And it completely changed my life. Let me tell you a story.
Roughly 4-5 years ago I was an atheist living with my boyfriend of 6 years. We had moved up to Seattle to get out of Los Angeles a couple years before. I had just started a temp job as a security dispatcher. It was a desperate move after a too long period of unemployment after quitting a toxic job working as a child mental health therapist. It was a heart shattering move to give up on my dream career and return to the field I swore I was done with forever.
Enter the handsome, yet semi quirky security officer that struck a deep and uncomfortable chord with me. I felt the deep need to be his friend, I was drawn to him in a crazy overwhelming way. But I was not free of the demons of my past and interpreted this as a need for physical attraction. Which sent me in a tailspin. I knew having romantic feelings wasn’t a good thing since I was in a relationship. That led me to know that something about my current relationship wasn’t right. But still in the meantime I felt drawn to this guy and we struck up a texting friendship.
I started feeling more and more strongly like my relationship wasn’t right. I started feeling like I needed to get out. I would come across articles on the internet about being led down a path. Weird “coincidences” would happen that kept pushing me to question the path I was on. Things kept happening that kept pushing me in a direction I was uncertain about taking.
A lot of things led up to this, but one evening before work I was led to an article about God guiding your path. Remember, I was an atheist at this point and didn’t put much stock in God. But after a few conversations about my new friends faith, I think the door was left ajar for me to hear it. I got half way through the article and needed to get dressed. During brushing my teeth I was going over everything in my head. I jokingly stated in my head “maybe I should ask God to guide me”.
Well, that was it. I found myself sobbing, being pushed onto my knees in prayer position and repeating in my head, “God, please help guide me”. It was one of the most intense emotional moments of my life… and I’ve had some doozies. As soon as the emotion past the very next thing that came into my head was I needed to share this with my new friend. Now THAT was a crazy thought! I do NOT share my feelings and especially with those I don’t really know well. But I needed to. So I texted him. And then spent hours of my shift on a very busy Saturday night writing up an email explaining what happened.
His response was, “Come with me to church in the morning”. Yet another insane request! But I did. And it was the beginning of me coming to Christ. Going to church and attending a regular bible study with people I would later consider family, led me to feeling the need to choose between two paths.
There were two roads in front of me. One was to stay with my boyfriend and work things out because I’d invested so much of myself, he was a decent guy but in absolutely no way a godly man. But the other road, the one that was telling me I would marry a man that wasn’t remotely attracted to me, where my insecurities reigned and I would have to make so many sacrifices to journey down…. that was the road I felt God was calling me down. And He kinda wasn’t taking no for an answer. And I listened and ended the relationship and accepted the trials ahead of me.
It was a whirlwind year after that, full of amazing new friends, a close relationship with my new best friend, and a fire in my heart to learn and know God. I faced insecurities that I lived with for years and found healing like never before in God’s word and love.
I felt like I was told by God to be patient with my friend, and knew in my heart he would be the man I’d marry. That was craziness to a person who feared the idea of marriage. But God taught me what marriage and love are supposed to be and I pursued that.
God had a miraculous plan for me. And He placed it on my heart and helped me choose that path. And here I sit with my beautiful daughter in a marriage of nearly three awesome years to that handsome security officer.
Now I feel God is doing it again. Telling me this road, working full time and being away from my daughter, is not the right path. I feel He is telling me to walk the unsure path of working on my blog from home so I can be home to care for and Shepard my daughter. I feel Him telling me everything will be ok if I just trust Him. That He has plans for me to bring glory to His kingdom if I just lean in.
I am scared though and my husband isn’t fully on board with me quitting my job tomorrow like I would want to. It’s terrible timing financially. But I’m leaning in. I’m starting this blog, an idea that truly came out of nowhere and still sounds like a crazy idea. I’m attempting to budget as best as possible and I believe that God will show us both the way in the right time. But I’m being patient with my husband yet again and know God will help to guide him so that he can guide us.
In the mean time I’m praying for help in trusting God’s plan for me and my family. Although remembering this other point in my life has helped to remind me that God does have this.
God is truly, truly amazing.
May God make your paths known and may He bless your journey.