I’ve found myself stuck lately. With very little ability to move forward in a lot of areas.
Whether it’s blogging, art, prayer, being productive at home, finding time for friends, and my overall wellbeing. Everything feels just at a stand still at the moment.
A big reason is my apathy. You see, I’m dealing with depression and quite a bit of anxiety. And apathy towards things you enjoy is a symptom of such. So here I am, mostly just not caring about anything.
I also actively avoid these things. Especially the things I feel will help me progress towards what I want.
Such as my blog and my art.
I feel the pressure to make something of these things is intimidating and crushing at times. Especially when I feel they are my only way out of my current job. So I shut down. I stop moving forward. And I take up camp instead of growing through.
This isn’t a new pattern in my life either.
I’ve often given up on things as they are just ramping up. I have not even pursued things because of a belief that I can’t accomplish it buried deep inside my brain, usually disguised as apathy.
I lose out on the ability to grow, to learn and stretch through these things.
And this feeling makes me question myself.
I used to think I was a warrior. One who would face any battle, usually mental, head on. With tenacity to push through and win.
No challenge was too big.
No situation too overwhelming.
I would win! I was pretty optimistic.
I’m not sure what’s changed.
Maybe life has dragged me down and made me re-evaluate myself. Maybe I’m seeing myself in a realistic light. Or maybe my view is skewed… I’m not really sure.
But I don’t feel powerful like I once did. I feel at the mercy of everything around me happening that I seem to have little control over.
And as I wrote that I felt a voice say, you DO have control, the choices you want to make just have very big consequences. Which makes everything just kinda suck. I do, and I don’t have a choice.
And as I write this all I can think of is, I can’t publish this. What is this crap? I can’t write a blog post that flows or makes sense for the life of me. All this is is a personal journal…. So around I go, feeling stuck again.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this other than I’ve taken a mental break from blogging. I can’t seem to get into gear. And every time I try to write something of substance I get writer’s block. It just doesn’t come together.
But I do want to write things of value and contribute my voice to the online world. It’s just that right now it’s another thing that weighs me down and makes me feel lost in quicksand.
I’ve been focusing on my art lately and trying to get a personal project finished. I’m going to take some time to finish that. Then move into reworking a version to sell. And that too takes a lot of energy.
I guess I’ll ask for one thing from anyone listening.
Pray for me.
Pray for my family, that we are guided through this time and go where God wants to take us. Whatever that means.
I’m definitely struggling right now and could use the prayer.
Thank you, and I look forward to writing again in the near future.